This week's selection features a laughable attempt at blending two genres that never needed to mixed in the first place; a slightly depressing documentary about a porn star who really need to find another line of work; and bloodsucking pharaohs. In Pittsburgh no less!
Tune in next Friday for yet another batch from the vaults; of my hard drive. Enjoy!
Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter
(Elite Entertainment)
Getting a review package from our lovely editor is always fun. You never know what's gonna be in there. I usually pause before I open the envelope to wonder what kind of cinematic offering, or offerings, it may hold. (Will it be a documentary about porn star or a weird Japanese "porno" that has no actual sex scenes? A gory zombie flick or a lesbian mummy movie? Yes, those examples are based on my actual CFBC reviewing experience.) It's always a crapshoot, and in the case of this particular movie some might say crap is the operative word, but I'm getting ahead of myself. I definitely laughed out loud when I opened this month's package and saw a copy of this DVD in my review pile because, not only have I already seen this exceptionally "special" (that's the polite word for something born with some sort of defect yes?) movie, we have it on video. As part of his quest to see every B-movie ever made, my husband bought a copy somewhere and we watched it one warm weekend night last summer. We thought it was hilarious (I will point out that we were a bit drunk when we watched it, although that really has no bearing on our tastes in cinema) and later lent it to a friend of ours who also has a taste for cinema that falls beneath the radar of the major movie houses. He reported back that he thought it was the single worst movie ever made, which prompted my husband to make the assessment that it's impossible there has never been a movie made that's worse than this. (An undeniably backhanded compliment if ever there was one.) They both have a point but I'm really no barometer to judge movies by. I offer this example to illustrate my point: I probably didn't have to watch this again in order to review it but, nonetheless, watch it again I did. I have to say I think I enjoyed it more the first time but still… the WORST movie ever made? I have to side with my man and say there must be worse movies out there… somewhere. Movie standards are totally subjective though. As for the film itself, I feel like you're all savvy enough to imagine the general plotline. Even if you're not, what you imagine it to be might end up being more logical than the movie's actual plot. Suffice it to say, the title rings true enough and during the course of the film, a character named Jesse James meets another character who is supposed to be Frankenstein's daughter. Actually that's not quite accurate, the evil doctor lady isn't Frankenstein's daughter, she's Frankenstein's grand-daughter - she says so herself in the first ten minutes - but who are we to dwell on such minutia? Besides, Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Grand-Daughter just doesn't have that Hollywood feel so I think we can all understand why the powers that be decided to shave off that small five letter, one generation, detail for the sake of the greater good. Whether or not you wish to investigate this film any further is completely up to you.
Girl Next Door
(Indican)
In case you've never heard of Stacy Valentine, the subject of this documentary, she is an adult film actress; apparently famous enough in the industry to be dubbed a porn star. I occasionally review adult films and I have to admit I've never heard of her. But she does have a contract with VCA, and they are a major company, so I'll assume for the sake of the review that she is in fact a porn star, and not just a girl making porn movies. (Yes, there is a difference.) I can't figure out whether or not I've seen her on Howard Stern's E! show, which would be the clincher. But let's get back to the film. I am not familiar with the director either but as far as actual film making goes, Christine Fugate is clearly very skilled in the documentary format. The way it's edited is clean and linear, so it really does feel like you're getting a realistic snapshot of Stacy's life during the time she was filmed. Fugate also captures a number of moments where Stacy is really naked, if you'll pardon the expression, and in the type of film where there's one living, breathing subject as the focus, those are always the most telling moments. I like a good documentary myself but, in reality, a documentary is only as interesting as it's subject. Which is not to say Stacy Baker / Valentine does not have an interesting story (to an extent everyone has an interesting story) but it was hard to watch this. Particularly it's hard to watch this and not come away feeling like you wanted to call her up and say "Listen honey, this is not the life for you! Quit, get more therapy, go to school and learn a trade. Leave porn forever and don't look back! You'll be so much happier." It's not so much that I felt sorry for her, because she's clearly a grown-up who has chosen this career with eyes wide open, it's just kind of sad and painful to watch someone who seems fundamentally unhappy with herself kind of swimming against the current, trying to gain acceptance by doing something that is hard for most people to accept. So in that sense the film is kind of icky. Speaking of icky-ness, in addition to viewing the more normal events of Stacy's daily life (going to work, the trials and tribulations of dating in the industry, dealing with family & friends, etc.) the viewer gets "treated" to seeing some of the numerous trips to the plastic surgeon Ms. Valentine has made. (During the film we see her getting liposuction, a breast implant re-do and getting fat that I believe they sucked out of her ass injected into her lips.) I have to say those parts were fucking disgusting. Jesus! I had to close my eyes. Let me state now and for the record - if this is what it takes to be considered beautiful, I'd rather be ugly. I'd also like to point out that the otherwise lame soundtrack was bolstered by some tunes from one of my personal favorite chanteuses, Caynde Kane. (Who, coincidentally, has also spent some time in the industry. Now there's a documentary subject for Christine Fugate.) If you want a peek at the life of a porn starlet, Girl Next Door does deliver, but after seeing it I can't imagine myself ever enjoying one of Stacy Valentine's "other" movies. On the part of the director, I'd say the film is a success but maybe not for the subject. Although if the release of the documentary made her re-think her situation, I'd say it's the best movie she's ever made.Bloodsucking Pharaohs In Pittsburgh
(Program Power)
Obviously a movie with a title like Bloodsucking Pharaohs In Pittsburgh is not going to be standard Hollywood fare; the word "bloodsucking" alone cries out B-movie, but when you pair the word "bloodsucking" with "pharaohs" - forget it. This B-movie has it's own special twist, as any movie that expects me to watch it all the way through should. It's a parody of a bunch of different genres all at once; the buddy cop flick… the '80s slasher flick (complete with Tom Savini on board supplying "special make-up effects," natch)... the black comedy… and so forth. It's a cult movie, and a cult movie parody. Is that high concept meets low budget or what? Not as memorable as, say, that John Holmes flick where he's a pimp who runs his cathouse under the guise of a pizza delivery service and all the girls wear hot pants and rollerskates to "deliver the goods to the customer". But, you know, what is? I've seen better movies than Bloodsucking Pharaohs in Pittsburgh but, honestly, I've seen a lot worse too. Despite it's obvious awkwardness and, um, challenging plotline, it had some funny shit in it and I did not feel the urge to reach for the remote every few minutes. If you want to rate a movie like this (badfilm, as I've recently heard it called; I'll also accept the term psychotronic) by it's kooky-ness, this movie is off the charts. It's a fucking thousand shades of kooky, and each one is colored with the blood of the undead.
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