Have yourself a very Mary Christmas; new this week at the buffet...

This week we've got a semi-seasonally appropriate menu featuring two films starring BMB fave Mary Woronov.

First join the Kommandant as he gasses up and hits the track for a ride with cult classic Death Race 2000.

Then join Bunny and salute the season with an R-rated, somewhat X-Mas themed horror flick, Silent Night Bloody Night.

*****

On that note, the B-Movie Buffet is taking a brief holiday & will return to our regularly scheduled schedule of weekly updates on or around January 8th. See you then!

RIP Bill Landis

In his own words:

"Bill Landis founded Sleazoid Express in 1980 as a biweekly newsletter, the first publication to record exploitation films as a serious cinematic art form. Throughout the early through mid 1980s he immersed himself in the red light world of the pre-Disneyfied Times Square and documented his associates and experiences. Afterwards Landis joined forces with his penultimate collaborator, Michelle Clifford, who revived Sleazoid Express in a monograph format, and later co-authored the book of the same title. Landis also contributed to Clifford's monograph Metasex, which deals with the more sexually charged aspects of the vice world. Landis and Clifford wrote Anger, the unauthorized bio of underground filmmaker Kenneth Anger. They have been interviewed in the books Clayton Patterson's Captured and Creeping Flesh. Landis has contributed to Taschen's hefty bio of Vanessa del Rio, the Soho News, New York Rocker, Village Voice, Film Comment, Hustler, Screw, Penthouse, the Hungover Gourmet, Carbon 14, Maxim and Time Out New York. Landis and Clifford curated the Grindhouse Festival at the Music Box Theater in Spring 2007, and were profiled in Time Out Chicago, Time Out New York, and Flaunt Magazines. Landis and Clifford, have hosted many exploitation film festivals from the Yerba Buena Center for the Arts in San Francisco, and, locally, the Art Institute of Chicago."

He was also our friend. Rest in peace Bill.

Lunar lunacy; new this week at the buffet...

This week the Kommandant barks at Jess Franco's slasher-style sexploitation flick Bloody Moon.

While Stately Wayne Manor performs exploratory surgery on Mexploitation classic Night Of The Bloody Apes.

Nature vs. monster; new this week at the buffet...

This week we fill up on a double dose of "cult camp classics" featuring two examples of nature gone wrong.

First join the Kommandant as he gets electrified by The Giant Behemoth.

Then join Bunny as she gets primitive with Joan Crawford's final film, Trog.

Whips and witches; new this week at the buffet...

This week we set the wayback machine for the United Kingdom circa the sexy seventies for two trashy exploitation flicks starring the lovely Ann Michelle.

First join the Kommandant as he cracks the whip on Pete Walker's House Of Whipcord.

Then watch in semi-horror as Bunny deflowers witchy British sexploitation flick Virgin Witch.

Blue eyes and disco-related demise; new this week at the buffet...

This week Bunny sets her brown eyes on Paul Naschy's Blue Eyes Of The Broken Doll.

While the Kommandant puts on his dancing shoes for the first slasher musical, Splatter Disco.

Lust, lunacy and lusty lunatics; new this week at the buffet...

This week we've got a double dose of '70s style fleshy Eurotrash fun sure to satisfy fans of the genre.

First join the Kommandant and line up to see an appalling amalgam of carnage & carnality, The Flesh & Blood Show.

Then join Bunny as she unfolds a sleazy Eurotrash thriller replete with plot twists and decapitated heads, In The Folds Of The Flesh.

Tight pants and loose morals; new this week at the buffet...

This week we've got a sampling of somewhat sadistic sexploitation flicks from the over-the-top '80s and sinful '60s.

First join the Kommandant as he sets his wayback machine to Los Angeles circa 1984 for a revenge and jumpsuit laden stroll through Savage Streets.

Then it's off to New York City to join Bunny as she takes in a tawdry triple feature featuring The Ultimate Degenerate, The Lusting Hours & In Hot Blood.

Satan meets the devil; new this week at the buffet...

This week the Kommandant is bedeviled by Jess Franco's attempt at the cannibal film, Devil Hunter.

While Bunny pledges to sit all the way through '70s Satan-sploitation flick Satan's Slave.

One hundred percent one percenters; new this week at the buffet...

This week we return to our regularly scheduled program with a double dose of loud and rowdy bikers flicks.

First the Kommandant rides off into the sunset with a renegade band of cycle-gang gals who are leather on the outside, all woman on the inside, The Hellcats.

Then Bunny goes down under to infiltrate a group of bikers with vengeance in their hearts, violence on their minds and 150 horsepower of screaming steel between their legs, Stone.

PS: Yes, we made it back safe and sound from our weekend in the woods - thanks for asking! In truth our greatest moment of horror came when we realized the cabin featured an assortment of appropriate viewing options but was not equipped with a Beta player so we could have watched this.

We interrupt our regularly scheduled weekly update...

...due to the fact we'll be spending the rest of this week in a cabin in the woods with no internet access; and I didn't have time to get this week's update done in advance. Sorry about that!

Anywhoo, if we've learned anything from this website, couples who spend time alone in a cabin in the woods often don't live to update their websites, or even drive back home, so tune in next week to see if we survive.

Fangs, foxes and flatulence; new this week at the buffet...

This week the BMB offers up a veritable visual vicissitude of vampire vixens with a trio of truly trashy trash film.

First join Bunny as she digs up a double feature featuring twice the vamps and twice the bite, Cemetery Girls & Vampire Hookers.

Then join the Kommandant as he spends the night in a deserted hotel with the Daughters Of Darkness.

Funky fish and cursed coins; new this week at the buffet...

This week the Kommandant jumps into the pool of post-Jaws films and encounters a Barracuda.

While Bunny sets sail for a rather non-furious adventure with late '80s "shocker," Island Fury.

Skunks and punks; new this week at the buffet...

This week the BMB kicks off the month of Rocktober with a double dose of rock'n'roll related films.

First lace up your Doc Martens and head to the Bay Area with the Kommandant as he queues up and tries to get into 924 Gilman St: Let's Talk About Tact And Timing.

Then join Bunny and get on the bus for a ride with Ladies And Gentleman The Fabulous Stains.

Multiple maniacs; new this week at the buffet...

This week Bunny gets Psychotronic(a) with a double dose of sleazy '70s sinema, Delinquent Schoolgirls / Dream No Evil.

While the Kommandant heads for the Decade That Dripped Blood to study up on forgotten slasher flick Final Exam.

Dagger Debs & pirate zombies; new this week at the buffet...

This week Bunny spends the night in a place where trouble comes in high heels, the Smut Shack, with The Bad Luck Betties.

While the Kommandant heads for a remote desert island to attempt surviving Survive This!

Transplants and miscreants; new this week at the buffet...

This week Bunny colors the buffet blood red with obscure Eurotrash thriller Crimson.

While our own inglorious bastard the Kommandant enlists to partake in the shoot-'em-up glory of Inglorious Bastards.

Town crazies and crazies out on the town; new this week at the buffet...

This week Bunny dares to be alone in the dark with obscure '80s horror flick Alone In The Dark.

While the Kommandant spends a freaky Wednesday night watching somewhat confused indie horror film Freaky Farley.

Yet more mystics, moonlight and mayhem*; new this week at the buffet...

(*Sorry to repeat myself but, in retrospect, last week's title is particularly fitting for this week's menu items; perhaps even more fitting than it's previous use.)

This week the BMB travels from the foggy canals of Venice to the spooky shores of Bali for two otherwise unrelated slices of International sinema.

First, join Bunny as she takes a seat in the Trattoria Of Terror for a piping hot plate of Giallo, The Bloodstained Shadow.

Then join the Kommandant and be mystified by ultra kooky Asian cult horror flick, Mystics In Bali.

At the risk of repeating myself a second time in the same week - in other news, the Yahoo Group is still acting up. I don't think it ever sent last week's update email either. Ugh! I guess we'll give it another week or two & see what happens.

Mystics, moonlight and mayhem; new this week at the buffet...

This week we've got a double dose of werewolfery sure to satisfy and confuse hungry B-Movie viewers.

First, Bunny is cursed and bedeviled by Paul Naschy's Curse Of The Devil.

Then the Kommandant tears apart early '80s werewolf-esque film, Wolfen.

In other news, the Yahoo Group is acting up again. I don't think it ever sent last week's update email. Hopefully it will work this week!

The BMB is back!

This week the Buffet returns to our regularly scheduled regular schedule with a hearty, double helping of British horror icon Christopher Lee.

(Um, except only one of the films is of the horror genre. And, now that I think about it, said non-horror film may have been made in Germany, not England. You won't hold this against us though right? We're still a little rusty from vacation. Rest assured, both movies star Christopher Lee.)

Anywhoo, first join Bunny as she packs up her bandana and runs away to join Circus Of Fear.

Then join the Kommandant and head for the vaults of Hammer Horror to gamble on The Man Who Could Cheat Death.

Silence, symbolism and sapphic sex; new this week at the buffet...

This week Bunny & the Kommandant tear into the jugular vein of five freaky, fetishy flicks by French filmmaker Jean Rollin in our newest feature, Lips Of Blood, Grapes Of Death.

(PS: As you may have guessed from the artwork at the right of this post, this piece was originally published in issue #31 of carbon 14, our humble journal of art, film, music, smut and wrestling; due back from the printer whenever it is done being printed.)

And on that note we are out of here! We will return from summer vacation on or around August 13th; refreshed, revived and ready to review all of the DVDs in our collective review pile. See you then!

Kill and be killed; new this week at the buffet...

This week Stately Wayne Manor decides the fate of early '90s obscurity Kill Or Be Killed.

While the Kommandant shines a light on Paul Naschy's grammatically incorrect Werewolf Shadow.

And now the stinging starts; new this week at the buffet...

This week it's time to bust out the bug spray for a double dose of deadly drive-in-appropriate Apian activity.

First prepare to be enveloped in cheesy British horror as Bunny gets stung by Amicus Films' The Deadly Bees.

Then watch in horror as the Kommandant gets swarmed by the deadly swarm of Irwin Allen's The Swarm.

Black magic vs. white magic; new this week at the buffet...

This week our menu features a heaping helping of magic, mayhem and attempted magical mayhem '70s sinema style.

First join the Kommandant as he lives through the reincarnation of the Dracula myth courtesy The Reincarnation Of Isabel.

Then join Bunny and fall under the spell of the wacky white witchery of Simon, King Of The Witches.

Vapid virgins and vexing vampires; new this week at the buffet...

This week we've got a variety of vampiric nonsense that surely has Bram Stoker spinning in his grave.

First Bunny sheds no tears over Jean Rollin's Requiem For A Vampire.

Then the Kommandant doesn't exactly fall in love with Jess Franco's Vampire Lovers Double Feature, Vampire Blues & Vampire Junction.

Spies, thighs and private eyes; new this week at the buffet...

This week join the Kommandant & scrub up to do some exploratory surgery on Operation Pussycat.

Then join Bunny and spend the night with the un-official original man of mystery, Our Man Flint.

A whole Lado love; new this week at the buffet...

This week Bunny spends a long night watching Aldo Lado's Short Night Of Glass Dolls.

While Giallo Biafra invites you into his Trattoria Of Terror for a curious slice of Giallo, Who Saw Her Die?

A cavalcade of cranial craziness; new this week at the buffet...

This week the B-Movie Buffet wants, and needs, your skull... to watch this double feature of films that feature disembodied skulls.

With this sentiment in mind (ahem) join the Kommandant as he investigates a terrifying case of skull-duggery, The Four Skulls Of Jonathan Drake.

Then join Bunny as she measures the skull bumps of Amicus Films' The Skull.

Vixens and voodoo; new this week at the buffet...

This week Bunny swims south of the border for a psychotronic double feature of The Mermaids Of Tiburon & Yambao - Cry Of The Bewitched.

While the Kommandant is possessed by Shirley MacLaine's Santaria-riffic possession flick, The Possession Of Joel Delaney.

Intergalactic freaks and barnyard shrieks; new this week at the buffet...

This week the Kommandant jets off to the sexy '70s for an encounter with softcore sci-fi Star Wars parody, The Beast In Space.

Meanwhile, Bunny attempts to determine what, if anything, soothes the savage beasts of Paul Naschy's Human Beasts.

Happy bloody Mother's Day; new this week at the buffet...

This week the BMB celebrates the impending Mother's Day holiday the only way we know how - by watching some trashy films!

First join Bunny as she heads for the Decade That Dripped Blood and pledges to try and understand Roberta Findlay's late '80s sorta slasher flick, Blood Sisters.

Then join the Kommandant and heads for his Corman Corner to wipe up after Shelley Winters' portrayal of Ma Barker in Bloody Mama.

Nudists, rapists, and hippie hating 'Nam vets; new this week at the buffet...

This week we've got a double dose of double features, each featuring a little something to offend pretty much everyone.

The Kommandant arms himself for an explosive double feature of Booby Trap & The Takers.

While Bunny exposes the naked truth about Psychotronica Volume 2, Mondo Keyhole & The Raw Ones.

Essentially Edwige; new this week at the buffet...

This week we've got a double dose of everyone's favorite Giallo film fox, the lovely Miss Edwige Fenech.

First up, the Kommandant keeps count of the freezer bags hanging around Mario Bava's 5 Dolls For An August Moon.

Then Bunny takes a seat in Giallo Biafra's Trattoria Of Terror to investigate The Case Of The Bloody Iris.

Drive me ape, you big gorilla; new this week at the buffet...

This week the BMB goes completely bananas as we peel back the skin of yet two more entries into the monkey movie canon.

Join the Kommandant as he meets up with a most unfortunate pairing, Bela Lugosi Meets A Brooklyn Gorilla.

Then Bunny steps right up for a gander at the carniest, three-dimensioniest big ape movie of them all, Gorilla At Large.

Taste the blood of Draculas; new this week at the buffet...

This week we've got a sampling of Spanish sinema spiced with the blood of the dead! Or, uh, something like that.

First join Bunny as she tells the tale of a somewhat different Dracula saga, Leon Klimovsky's The Dracula Saga.

Meanwhile the Kommandant goes on a hunt for the treasure of Dracula in Santo En El Tesoro De Dracula.

Gypsies, tramps and sleaze; new this week at the buffet...

This week it's time for a double shot of Joe - Joe Sarno that is.

First we'll travel back in time to the swingin' seventies as The Kommandant learns what happens when one frustrated woman's innermost fantasies stop being polite and start getting really Freudian in Confessions Of A Young American Housewife.

Then it's off to the equally swingin' sixties, as depicted in the dark streets of Brooklyn, when Bunny takes a ride with a group of men and women caught in a vortex of vice and a whirlpool of lust, The Sex Cycle.

Giallo-A-Go-Go; new this week at the buffet...

This week we've got reservations at the Trattoria Of Terror for a double dose of dastardly deeds.

For our first course, Bunny takes a crack at Dario Argento's giallo thriller Cat O'Nine Tails.

Ready for your entree? Join Giallo Biafra for a date with a particularly sleazy slice of Eurosleaze The Sister Of Ursula.

Night after nite; new this week at the buffet...

This week we return from our vacation with a return to the fertile 1980s for a double dose of dubious ideas.

First Bunny returns to The Decade That Dripped Blood for a rather ridiculous slice of slasher film, Girls Nite Out.

Then the Kommandant gets blinded by the psycho-kinetic light of '80s horror obscurity One Dark Night.

Thin plots and thick accents; new this week at the buffet...

This week we've got a double dose of the hard stuff - meaning stuff that some people find hard to sit through - featuring BMB fave John Carradine.

First join Bunny as she breaks out the deep woods off and attempts to fend off an amorous Big Foot.

Then join the Kommandant and succumb to the spell of one of sinemas most challenging Dracula movies, Vampire Hookers.

In other news, our regularly scheduled weekly update will be briefly interrupted next week, due to the fact that we'll be out of town and may or may not have internet access, but we'll be back on or around March 19th with a fresh, steaming plate of B-grade goodness.

Reviews from the vaults... of my hard drive, part 5

Welcome to the fifth - and final - installment of stuff I reviewed a few years ago on another site; offered up in honor of the birth month of both the BMB site and this blog. (See here for the backstory on this.)

Thanks so much for playing along! And tune in February 2009 to see what kind of nonsense I come up with to celebrate our fourth birthday.

Snake People

(Eclectic DVD)

For those that maintain there could not possibly be a movie worse than Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter, Eclectic DVD unintentionally presents Exhibit A: Snake People; coincidentally, or not so coincidentally, one of the last movies Boris Karloff ever starred in. (I'm not saying his death is in any way related to the shame of being in this movie, but the facts are what they are.) I would like to think I went into watching this with an open mind, but what would be a more accurate statement is that I was hoping it would be good because I like the movie poster art and tag line (Voodoo rituals… on an island of evil!) and Karloff's in it. Even at the ripe old age of 33 I can be so naive. After watching the movie I can honestly say I still like the poster art and tag line and Karloff is definitely in this movie. (In fact he has two roles, he's the loving uncle of the movie's heroine and the male leader of the cult of snake worshippers.) Other than that Snake People's points of distinction are few and far between. Even the people responsible for writing the box cover copy were hard pressed to come up with good things to say about the film, or even any way to describe the plotline, offering only the following two sentences: "Boris Karloff's psycho-sexual '60s voodoo masterpiece co-directed by Jack Hill in an all new digital transfer. Tongolele's erotic snake-dance is not to be missed!!" Tongolele, she of the "erotic" snake dance, is the witchy female priestess yin to the evil Karloff character's yang. Not only does she boogie with reptiles, she can cause things to spontaneously combust by staring at them intently. (I know, how come there's no ring on her finger? She's obviously the most eligible black magic voodoo broad around for miles.) I probably could have stood to miss her dance but, truth be told, I am no connoisseur of snake dancing - erotic or otherwise. I did appreciate her overall kind of gothic Cleopatra look though. The pre-requisite Halloween costume-esque bikini top, belt with jangly stuff on it and those weird bracelets that go around the bicep offset her black liquid eyeliner and Lily Munster meets Lauren Ezersky shock of silver hair well. I think she could stand to ease up on the eyebrow tweezing but that's just me. She certainly did give the movie some zing, which it sorely needed. Sadly no amount of exotic gyrating could save this flick.

The Window

(Ghost Limb Films)

I got kind of an art school / European film type vibe from the brief description on the box ("Sights, sounds and other perpetrators haunt a New York City apartment dweller.") so I elected to write this review while watching it. Go for a more stream of consciousness kinda thing. Why? I don't know, I just thought it would make it more interesting… for me. Anywhoo, here we go. The setting: bleak. The dialogue: non-existent. The plot: I think they covered it in that box quote but since we're here I'll add a little detail. Man lives in apartment. Man hears noises in his apartment. Sawing, cats, the sounds of general unrest, that sort of thing. Man looks for noise. Finds nothing. Man closes window. Goes to bed. Noises persist. Then there is daylight. Noises are more pleasant. Typing this does seem to take my mind off how uninteresting the film is but my main thought right now is: seriously, I am not watching seventeen minutes and nine seconds of this. When I look back up, I see man has awakened. Man is hairy and in his underpants. His underpants are too small. I find them unpleasant. I type this to avoid watching it. Man hears something. I catch a glimpse of the man with some sort of bat like object in his hand; maybe it's a bat. I'm thinking he's gonna hit something with it… and I'm right. He hits a rat. The rat writhes. He covers the rat with a napkin or something and hits it again. Now he's throwing the rat out the window. I think I've seen enough.

The Orbitrons 2000

(Ghost Limb Films)

From the company that brought me the above film, The Window, which I didn't like too much, comes The Orbitrons 2000 - a film I liked a whole lot more. Judging by the box description again, ("From a world where women wear the pants…") I figured that would be the case. This, as the title implies, is more of a SCI-FI thing and, much to my delight, kind of a modern day Ed Wood movie in form, function and execution. Set in the gritty streets of Newark, New Jersey, the plot involves around a guy named Tom Kubosh. He just wants to be left alone to indulge himself in his favorite yearly ritual - masturbating in the cemetery where he first jerked off - but poor Tom's luck just ain't working that way. He gets hassled by the man on the way to the cemetery and, after getting his butt kicked by some donut & hooch loving pigs, it just gets worse. He witnesses a spaceship landing, sees zombies he knew from high school (presumably they were human back then) and uncovers a sinister plot about to be unhatched by evil space Goddess Starleatha. Will chaos rule the day? Will Earth survive? Will Tom live to enjoy the simple pleasures of life like riding his Harley and beating off in semi-public places? Brave B-movie fans that dare to track this down will just have to find out for themselves. Other points of note: this flick had a cool soundtrack by a bunch of bands I've never heard of, an unusual amount of exposed male genitalia in a non-porn film (an unusual amount being any; it was really just one penis being bared a few times - the Kommandant thinks it may have been a stunt cock but hey, stunt cock is still a lot more cock than you'll see in any major motion picture which is why I'm mentioning it) and the clothing was provided by Agatha Blois, who is also involved in a clothing line called Submission Inc., co-owned by my friend and neighbor Kim Montenegro.

Alternative fuels and Satanic fools; new this week at the buffet...

This week The Kommandant buckles up for a ride with indie horror-comedy Blood Car.

While Bunny returns to the vaults of Hammer horror to get a taste of Taste The Blood Of Dracula.

Reviews from the vaults... of my hard drive, part 4

I don't know what the weather is like where you live today but here on the East Coast it is an icy, snowy mess. Or at least it is outside, where the Kommandant is currently salting our walk-way. I'm blogging from our bedroom at the moment so it's actually rather warm and cozy where I am.

Anywhoo, this weather seems like as good an excuse as any to stay in and watch movies that were made many, many years ago; or to waste some time surfing the internet and reading movie reviews that were written many years ago. With that in mind...

Welcome to the fourth installment of stuff I reviewed a few years ago on another site. (See here for the backstory on this.) This week's selection features no budget garage girls a go-go; a slice of late '80s slasher trash; and a film that would have fit right in with this week's Buffet menu selection. (Anything would have been a better choice than Velvet Smooth!)

Tune in next Friday for the fifth - and final - batch from the vaults; of my hard drive. Enjoy!

It's A Haunted Happenin'

(Amusement Films)

This is the newest offering from Amusement Films, a company that specializes in "no budget" flicks that this reviewer finds undeniably charming. The story here revolves around the Soultanglers, a trio of urban rocker chicks, and their quest to win the coveted first prize at the Ghouls A-Go-Go Battle Of The Bands - which just so happens to be an all female competition. (I can't believe Rodney Bingenheimer didn't hit on that idea first, and in real life!) The girls especially have their hearts set on beating out rival band the Darlings, who seem to think they've got the whole thing in the bag with their sugary sweet sound. If the Soultanglers have anything to say about it though, chops and knowledge of musical history will reign supreme over cuteness and knowledge of how to properly accessorize a '60s go-go outfit and the ladies will end their excursion riding off into the sunset with some sort of prize. (I think the prize is that they get to perform on the Ghoul A-Go-Go TV show.) Of course, as with any decent ascent to fame, there are a few twists and turns blocking their seemingly straight path to success. Like the fact that all of the girls have to spend the night in the contest-provided accommodations - i.e. a dark and spooky mansion. Realistically, even someone with a less than vivid imagination could probably think of a few dirty (or at least naughty) roads that such a plotline could take but don't go reaching for the hand lotion just yet. (Maybe after the movie when you're alone with your own thoughts.) Neither the Darlings nor the Soultanglers are that kind of girl group, and this isn't that kind of movie. Despite the fact that it would take less than ten minutes to turn the plot into one featuring a ton of lesbian sex, Haunted Happenin' is a bit more wholesome than most movies I've been sent for review. Not in the sense that it's made for children though, there are too many references that only people over a certain age (like voting age plus a decade) would get for it to be exclusively aimed at a younger audience. I'd liken more to an all ages Dickies show - it could entertain the whole family depending on who your family is.

Slaughterhouse

(Program Power)

When I looked at this box cover, I was mentally transported back to the late '80s - AKA when I was in high school. Journey back in time with me for a moment, won't you? It's only for review purposes. Right now it's Thanksgiving eve 2003. Back in, say, 1987, what would I have been doing on Thanksgiving eve? If you said hanging out at a partially demolished abandoned mental hospital with my degenerate friends, consuming drugs or alcohol (or possibly if the mood was right and supplies were plentiful, drugs and alcohol) and listening to Slayer, you are correct. Thanksgiving did mark the start of something traditional for me & my friends though. While hanging out at a partially demolished, abandoned mental hospital can be a lot of fun in the spring and summer, and even into the fall, by December even the most die hard had to admit it was way too cold to spend an entire night standing around outside getting fucked up. So, what would a group of teenagers and "young adults" like us then set out to do on a cold winter weekend night? Pretty much the same thing we did at Byberry the rest of the year except we were at someone's house (basically any house where parents or other responsible adults were not plentiful) and we'd maybe add some kind of other entertainment - say a drinking game or movie - to the mix. And of course no other kind of movie existed to the male population of said group than the horror movie. (Maybe porn, but they generally did not watch that when the girls were around.) This was exactly the kind of movie that would win the vote at the video store, and in fact, I have already seen it, despite my desire not to. (I don't eat meat and the movie is about an old psycho pig farmer father and his grossly overweight, even more psycho, son who run a slaughterhouse. See, it's almost impossible for the two parties to have a shared interest.) Nonetheless, this may in fact be considered a classic to those guys I hung out with - most of whom are now men and I'd imagine own their own homes and have DVD players and would probably very much enjoy an evening of kicking back with some friends, possibly still with the drugs, alcohol, etc., and this movie. I on the other hand, just like then, tried to keep myself otherwise entertained until it was over.

Mean Mother

(Retro Shock-O-Rama)

I was a latecomer to the whole DVD thing; because I just didn't see the need for yet another piece of electronic equipment in the house, nor the things that go with it. Besides, the VCR still works just fine. Had I not started writing movie reviews for this site I may have held out even longer but I had to admit watching DVDs for review on my computer was a total drag, so I didn't say anything when my husband finally got sick of my procrastination on the subject and went and bought one on his own. Since then I have learned there is definitely an upside to the rise in popularity of the DVD format. For one thing, while the amount of older and more obscure films available on video is decreasing to make room for the newer technology, it would seem that DVD makers have embraced the old and obscure, resulting in a tidal wave of releases of films that have not been seen anywhere, really, in many a decade. Mean Mother, which has the distinction of being the first blaxploitation film I've ever been called upon to review for CFBC, is one of those films. Originally released in 1973, it follows the story of Beau, played by Clifton Brown. (According to the accompanying booklet, he was also know by the name Dobie Gray and enjoyed a career as a popular recording artist with two top twenty hits between '65 and '73.) Beau's a relatively laid back dude; your typical soldier AWOL from the war in 'Nam. He just wants to be left alone to smuggle enough illegal goods to have enough money to live happily ever after in Canada with his hot girlfriend but as we all know - life just ain't that simple. The man is never far behind and always has one eye out for someone, or something, to hassle. (If films prove to be mirrors of society, this was especially true in the '70s.) Mean Mother isn't that unique in the sense that there were a lot of films like this made around this time. Some of them went on to be famous / infamous films that people still talk about and reference today, like Shaft, Superfly, Hammer, etc.; some of them just kind of disappeared into the woodwork. Nonetheless, if you really want to get an education in exploitation, these lesser known titles are indispensable. For that reason, and because Al Adamson is just so f-in' kooky, I'll give this movie a thumbs up.

Afros, macks and masked maniacs; new this week at the buffet...

Bunny & The Kommandant salute Black History Month with a quadruple dose of Bad Brothas & Mean Muthas featuring Blaxploitation non-classics Mean Johnny Barrows, Final Comedown, Lady Cocoa & Velvet Smooth.

Reviews from the vaults... of my hard drive, part 3

Welcome to the third installment of stuff I reviewed a few years ago on another site. (See here for the backstory on this. And if you're getting bored don't worry - there's only two more installments left.)

This week's selection features a laughable attempt at blending two genres that never needed to mixed in the first place; a slightly depressing documentary about a porn star who really need to find another line of work; and bloodsucking pharaohs. In Pittsburgh no less!

Tune in next Friday for yet another batch from the vaults; of my hard drive. Enjoy!

Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter

(Elite Entertainment)

Getting a review package from our lovely editor is always fun. You never know what's gonna be in there. I usually pause before I open the envelope to wonder what kind of cinematic offering, or offerings, it may hold. (Will it be a documentary about porn star or a weird Japanese "porno" that has no actual sex scenes? A gory zombie flick or a lesbian mummy movie? Yes, those examples are based on my actual CFBC reviewing experience.) It's always a crapshoot, and in the case of this particular movie some might say crap is the operative word, but I'm getting ahead of myself. I definitely laughed out loud when I opened this month's package and saw a copy of this DVD in my review pile because, not only have I already seen this exceptionally "special" (that's the polite word for something born with some sort of defect yes?) movie, we have it on video. As part of his quest to see every B-movie ever made, my husband bought a copy somewhere and we watched it one warm weekend night last summer. We thought it was hilarious (I will point out that we were a bit drunk when we watched it, although that really has no bearing on our tastes in cinema) and later lent it to a friend of ours who also has a taste for cinema that falls beneath the radar of the major movie houses. He reported back that he thought it was the single worst movie ever made, which prompted my husband to make the assessment that it's impossible there has never been a movie made that's worse than this. (An undeniably backhanded compliment if ever there was one.) They both have a point but I'm really no barometer to judge movies by. I offer this example to illustrate my point: I probably didn't have to watch this again in order to review it but, nonetheless, watch it again I did. I have to say I think I enjoyed it more the first time but still… the WORST movie ever made? I have to side with my man and say there must be worse movies out there… somewhere. Movie standards are totally subjective though. As for the film itself, I feel like you're all savvy enough to imagine the general plotline. Even if you're not, what you imagine it to be might end up being more logical than the movie's actual plot. Suffice it to say, the title rings true enough and during the course of the film, a character named Jesse James meets another character who is supposed to be Frankenstein's daughter. Actually that's not quite accurate, the evil doctor lady isn't Frankenstein's daughter, she's Frankenstein's grand-daughter - she says so herself in the first ten minutes - but who are we to dwell on such minutia? Besides, Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Grand-Daughter just doesn't have that Hollywood feel so I think we can all understand why the powers that be decided to shave off that small five letter, one generation, detail for the sake of the greater good. Whether or not you wish to investigate this film any further is completely up to you.

Girl Next Door

(Indican)

In case you've never heard of Stacy Valentine, the subject of this documentary, she is an adult film actress; apparently famous enough in the industry to be dubbed a porn star. I occasionally review adult films and I have to admit I've never heard of her. But she does have a contract with VCA, and they are a major company, so I'll assume for the sake of the review that she is in fact a porn star, and not just a girl making porn movies. (Yes, there is a difference.) I can't figure out whether or not I've seen her on Howard Stern's E! show, which would be the clincher. But let's get back to the film. I am not familiar with the director either but as far as actual film making goes, Christine Fugate is clearly very skilled in the documentary format. The way it's edited is clean and linear, so it really does feel like you're getting a realistic snapshot of Stacy's life during the time she was filmed. Fugate also captures a number of moments where Stacy is really naked, if you'll pardon the expression, and in the type of film where there's one living, breathing subject as the focus, those are always the most telling moments. I like a good documentary myself but, in reality, a documentary is only as interesting as it's subject. Which is not to say Stacy Baker / Valentine does not have an interesting story (to an extent everyone has an interesting story) but it was hard to watch this. Particularly it's hard to watch this and not come away feeling like you wanted to call her up and say "Listen honey, this is not the life for you! Quit, get more therapy, go to school and learn a trade. Leave porn forever and don't look back! You'll be so much happier." It's not so much that I felt sorry for her, because she's clearly a grown-up who has chosen this career with eyes wide open, it's just kind of sad and painful to watch someone who seems fundamentally unhappy with herself kind of swimming against the current, trying to gain acceptance by doing something that is hard for most people to accept. So in that sense the film is kind of icky. Speaking of icky-ness, in addition to viewing the more normal events of Stacy's daily life (going to work, the trials and tribulations of dating in the industry, dealing with family & friends, etc.) the viewer gets "treated" to seeing some of the numerous trips to the plastic surgeon Ms. Valentine has made. (During the film we see her getting liposuction, a breast implant re-do and getting fat that I believe they sucked out of her ass injected into her lips.) I have to say those parts were fucking disgusting. Jesus! I had to close my eyes. Let me state now and for the record - if this is what it takes to be considered beautiful, I'd rather be ugly. I'd also like to point out that the otherwise lame soundtrack was bolstered by some tunes from one of my personal favorite chanteuses, Caynde Kane. (Who, coincidentally, has also spent some time in the industry. Now there's a documentary subject for Christine Fugate.) If you want a peek at the life of a porn starlet, Girl Next Door does deliver, but after seeing it I can't imagine myself ever enjoying one of Stacy Valentine's "other" movies. On the part of the director, I'd say the film is a success but maybe not for the subject. Although if the release of the documentary made her re-think her situation, I'd say it's the best movie she's ever made.

Bloodsucking Pharaohs In Pittsburgh

(Program Power)

Obviously a movie with a title like Bloodsucking Pharaohs In Pittsburgh is not going to be standard Hollywood fare; the word "bloodsucking" alone cries out B-movie, but when you pair the word "bloodsucking" with "pharaohs" - forget it. This B-movie has it's own special twist, as any movie that expects me to watch it all the way through should. It's a parody of a bunch of different genres all at once; the buddy cop flick… the '80s slasher flick (complete with Tom Savini on board supplying "special make-up effects," natch)... the black comedy… and so forth. It's a cult movie, and a cult movie parody. Is that high concept meets low budget or what? Not as memorable as, say, that John Holmes flick where he's a pimp who runs his cathouse under the guise of a pizza delivery service and all the girls wear hot pants and rollerskates to "deliver the goods to the customer". But, you know, what is? I've seen better movies than Bloodsucking Pharaohs in Pittsburgh but, honestly, I've seen a lot worse too. Despite it's obvious awkwardness and, um, challenging plotline, it had some funny shit in it and I did not feel the urge to reach for the remote every few minutes. If you want to rate a movie like this (badfilm, as I've recently heard it called; I'll also accept the term psychotronic) by it's kooky-ness, this movie is off the charts. It's a fucking thousand shades of kooky, and each one is colored with the blood of the undead.

Blood bays and mean machines; new this week at the buffet...

This week we set the wayback machine for the sleazy '70s for a double dose of video nasty.

First Giallo Biafra invites you to take a seat in the Trattoria Of Terror and dip your toes in Mario Bava's Bay Of Blood.

Then join Bunny as she buckles up for a ride with an obscure slice of Eurosleaze, Ricco The Mean Machine.

Reviews from the vaults... of my hard drive, part 2

Welcome to our second installment of stuff I reviewed a few years ago on another site. (See here for the backstory on this.)

One thing I really liked about writing for CFBC was, much like c14, Stacey never assigned a specific theme to her zine. Therefore, people sent all sorts of assorted crap there for review. (And, of course, I use the term crap with respect.)

In turn, she would send me all sorts of assorted crap to review - obscure old foreign films; recently filmed low budget indie flicks; documentaries; music videos... I never knew what might lie in the bubbly confines of my bubble mailer on any given month. Which was always fun. Even when the stuff contained in said package didn't seem like it would be particularly fun to watch.

This week's selection is a good example of this. Here we have an obscure piece of Eurotrash, an American made "no budget" indie flick and another in a long line of zombie movies made by people who spent way too much time watching George Romero movies.

Tune in next Friday for yet another batch from the vaults; of my hard drive. Enjoy!

Eerie Midnight Horror Show

(Sinema Diable / Eclectic DVD)

Eerie Midnight Horror Show is the second movie I've received for review on the Sinema Diable imprint. (I think they're exclusively distributed by Eclectic DVD, thus the reason Eclectic gets to have their name and address as the contact.) Rumor has it that SD is owned by Glen Danzig, AKA the one time frontman for Danzig, Samhain and the Misfits (make that the original Misfits, not that half assed crew that's touring and recording under that name today); AKA he who is short in sense of humor and stature but tall in bicep muscles, sideburns and attitude. Seems believable enough to me. I mean, if his former band's lyrics, song titles, imagery, etc. are any indication, he's spent a lot of time watching movies. Further, one can only assume that somebody with a real interest in a specific movie genre - say, horror movies - would start to seek out older, obscure, low budget or foreign films to feed their need when they've tired of Hollywood's offerings. Sinema Diable seems to specialize in old, obscure, low budget, foreign horror films so when you rhetorically ask 'who would be aware of a movie like this, let alone love it enough to be inspired to bring it to a larger audience?' and the answer is 'the ex-lead singer of horror punk band the Misfits,' it does make sense. If only the rumor he's in talks to play Wolverine in a big budget action movie was as likely to be true… that would have been so great. Anywhoo, deciding whether or not the world is a better place now that this movie is readily available is not my job. My job is to watch the movie and describe it to you, the loyal reader. I will do my best. Eerie Midnight Horror Show is a movie known by many names, or at least two other names, The Sexorcist and Tormented. Basically it's the story of an innocent young lady who, through no fault of her own of course, becomes possessed by an evil spirit that makes her do a whole bunch of fucked up shit until eventually a priest comes to her rescue and exorcises the pesky demon. Kinda like that other movie about an innocent young lady being possessed by an evil spirit you might be familiar with. In this film however, instead of the heroine being a decidedly un-sexy (no offense to Linda Blair) pre-adolescent, our heroine is a sexy twenty-ish Italian babe and you get to watch her prance around in a sheer flowery mini dress and rounded toe black leather t-strap heels. (Which are so completely back in style!) I didn't hear her say anything about anyone's mother sucking cocks anywhere, maybe it was lost in the Italian-to-English translation, nor did her head spin round and round but she did masturbate while licking the front door of her apartment (?) and much like every other exorcism / possession movie, she vomits a bunch and foams at the mouth and stuff. Then, after an hour and fifteen minutes or so of that the holy guy steps in. He takes some verbal abuse, says some mumbo jumbo and poof - no more demon. Good always prevails over evil, you see. Even in bad movies.

The Girls From H.A.R.M.

(Amusement Films)

Before even getting to the main feature I learned from the pre-movie trailer that the team behind this film also made a movie I've heard a lot of great things about (but haven't gotten to see yet), El Frenetico & Go Girl; so straight away I was looking forward to viewing The Girls From H.A.R.M. Plus, based on my interpretation of what is good cinema, any movie with shillouettes of crime-fightin' babes as part of their package design has got to be good. (Except perhaps that Charlie's Angels movie with Drew Barrymore.) And I was not disappointed. I'm not gonna re-count the plotline, cause I think if everyone out there reading this went and saw this movie, the world would be a better place. (Albeit slightly, it is just a movie after all.) Suffice it to say, you can expect lots o' good old kung fu action from cute girls in tight outfits plus, of course, the prerequisite twists and turns that come with a story about a gang of renegade, evil-stomping bad / good girls. (Note: these bad girls are actually quite innocent, even while kicking ass - this flick contains no nudity, no profanity, only the slightest bit of blood and the tiniest bit of sexual innuendo. Nonetheless, I imagine that at least half the men who have watched this movie got wood from one of the girls from H.A.R.M. Pornography is in the eye of the beholder, you know.) I prefer a low budget movie - Amusement Films likes to call it a "no budget" movie - to a major motion picture and I must say I enjoyed this particular low budget movie quite a bit. Even if you don't like low budget movies you might like this one though. Really. Would I steer you wrong? OK maybe I would, but I'm not now. This also deserves bonus points for a killer theme song and, although I'm guessing it was not intended to be this way, I loved the fact that one of the evil do-ers (Mr. Wahl, the head of Wahl Industries) was totally dressed like the guys in Mooney Suzuki. (You know: black suit, black shirt, slightly sloppy bowl haircut—everything except an instrument.) But I digress. It honestly warms my heart to think that somewhere out there in the world, as I type this, there are people making (or least planning) grade-A B-movies. I applaud them for it.

Biohazardous

(Moodude Films/Eclectic DVD)

When I opened my review package for this month, I got a glimpse of the title before I pulled everything out so for a second I thought maybe this was a DVD related to the band Biohazard; who are, by all accounts, nice fellas but maybe not my favorite band to listen to. Upon closer inspection it became clear that was in fact a movie, a low budget horror movie at that; which, I'm sure, is also made by nice people, but maybe not my favorite kind to watch. Nonetheless, watch it I did. All 93 or so seemingly endless minutes. There's nothing wrong with Biohazardous per se, it's just not my kind of zombie movie. I like campy zombie movies that don't take themselves too seriously. Or zombie movies that are old. I appreciate the existence of Night Of The Living Dead trilogy as much as the next guy, but not if we're talking about the guys that made this. The problem is, they don't so much appreciate it throughout Biohazardous, as they do make a lot of vague and not so vague references to the films over and over until it's, um, over. The plot, while quite detailed, was pretty transparent; featuring all the stereotypical signposts you'd expect: the gated building where mysterious shit happens, the middle aged security guard who just wants to mind his own business in an effort to feed his family, the bored teenagers looking for kicks, and the nosy cops with nothing better to do than investigate the goings on of all of the above. (Gratuitous T & A was curiously absent however. Teenage sex is usually a given in any horror movie but these poor teenagers barely had time to get messed up, let alone get laid, before getting devoured by the undead.) At any rate, even though I wasn't crazy about it, I know there is an audience out there that would appreciate this special effect laden, bloody & gory, B-grade horror flick. I'm just not a member of it.